The darkest days of my life

On October 21, I published my book Liv, in English, on Amazon. The book that I dedicated to life itself. A book about life. About making the most out of life, living it to the fullest, no matter what life throws at you. Four days later and until this day nothing has been about life. It has been the darkest days of my life.

On my eldest son’s birthday, October 25th, my cell phone rings just as we are about to sit down for his birthday dinner. Since it was my sister’s oldest daughter, I took for granted she was calling my son to say happy birthday and answer with a “Why don’t you call him on his mobile directly?” The answer came abruptly. “Unfortunately I am calling to deliver tragic news.”

Her words that followed were to me as if she were speaking in a foreign language I had never heard before. I kept asking her questions, since I did not at all understand what she was talking about. It was too unbelievable to be true. “Do you mean Grandma passed away? Why are You calling to tell me and not mom? No, you do not mean that your grandmother, my mother, has passed away… .it is completely impossible… it must be my 100-year-old grandmother you are talking about, not my 71-year-old mother who is healthy and full of life! You must have received the wrong information. NOO !!! It cannot be true! What do you mean she’s been found on the bathroom floor, that it was a heart attack that took her life? Her heart was strong!”

I only remember the sound that came out of my throat when the information finally reached the brain. It was a sound from an injured animal, not from me.

Not my mother who has ALWAYS been there for us, who was so vital, healthy and full of life!

A letter to mum

I still could not believe it was true, when me and my two sisters were reading the letter to my mother during her funeral ceremony on November 19th;

Mom!

Who would have thought that six months after we celebrated your own mother’s 100th birthday, we would have to stand here and say goodbye to you. You, who planned to live for at least another 20 years and then to pass in a flash, before you would have to be taken care of by others. You were not sentimental at all when you talked about death and how you would like to end your life when the time was right. Quick and painless! 

That you got the funeral the way you wanted it, a simple but warm meeting between your family and your friends, we can promise you! However, 20 years too early and that we could not fit in the chapel you requested. You, as much as we did, probably thought that you would turn 90 before passing, with only a few people left to come to your funeral. Instead, it was about 70 people who signed up for what should really have been your 70th birthday party, if it were not for Corona.

So typically you, to even write down what clothes you would like to wear in the coffin. Also what you wanted to take with you in the coffin; pictures of your children and grandchildren, and a travel brochure with the places you did not make it to. You made us request a travel brochure, heavy as a brick, at the travel agency. This since we have no doubts that you will continue to plan upcoming trips and adventures even where you are now.

It really feels like you’ve been sitting with us in your apartment all along, when we planned your funeral; guiding us when choosing the pictures you would have liked to show and the food you would have wanted to serve your guests. You even wrote down that you wanted Elvis Presley and Elton John to sing for you during your farewell. 

We have been sitting and planning for several days, doing our very best, over many glasses of wine with a lot of crying and a few laughter here and there, in order for you to get exactly the ceremony you would have wanted.

You have been with us every second since you passed away, in everything we have done, up to this day. And you will be with us every day, for the rest of our lives. We feel how you have continued to watch over us. In the same way that you have always been there for us. Completely unconditional!

You could lie sleepless for the smallest, most stupidest things, but when it came to supporting others during life threatening diseases, you took complete command to make sure nothing was overlooked. Wish you could have done that also this time, when it came to yourself!

You have allowed us to grow as human beings. To become independent individuals, curious about what life has to offer. You did everything you possibly could, to give us the support, love and care during our upbringing that you yourself never felt you had as a child.

You have given us advice and tools, when we have been open to listening, but at the same time you have let us learn from our own mistakes without judging. You have been the mother that many never had, who stood up for us to 200%, in different ways, no matter how tough it sometimes has been for you as a mother.

.You have been the mother you never felt you had yourself! Thank you for being our mother! We love you and you miss us more than you ever could have imagined!!!